A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor
golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through
the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and
finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on
a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken
oil-lamp.

The husband asks: "Did we break that too?" "Yes", replies the
man.

"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.

"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in
that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to
give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you
smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"

The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better
golfer." "Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.

"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life." "Poof! you
get a million bucks a week", the genie announces.

"Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband. "For my wish. I
want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie.

"Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After
all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf
games will be much more interesting. Go ahead."

So the genie and the wife retire to the bedroom. After several
steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you
known your husband?" "Ten years," she replies. "How long has he
believed in this genie stuff?"

:lol:

Damn. LOL

:lol: May I pile on?

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally
the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over,
whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5
feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess
all those f***ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady, you should
have taken golf lessons instead."

My neighbors HATE my dog. He's gotten out several times and gone over into their yard and chewed things up. Once, he practically destroyed their garden. So when I came home from work the other day and saw him sitting in my front yard, with their pet rabbit DEAD in his mouth, I was horrified.
My neighbors have two small kids, and they had bought them a bunny rabbit last Easter. It was their freaking Easter present for gosh sakes. They loved it! What was I gonna do?
I wrestled their pet rabbit from his mouth, and hid the dog in the back yard. I knew they'd be home soon, so I acted fast. I washed the rabbit the best I could. It was covered in dog slobber and dirt. I used shampoo and rinsed the thing off real good. I finished up with a fluffy blow-dry. I figured I could put it back in its cage, and everyone would think it just died somehow of natural causes, and my dog would never be blamed. I snuck the rabbit back into its cage, went home, and tried to forget all about it.
Later, when I went outside to get the newspaper, I saw the kids holding the rabbit and their dad was with them.
"How's it going?" I asked.
"Well," said the father "The strangest thing! Our rabbit died a couple of days ago, and we buried it in the yard. Today it was back in its cage looking like it had just come from the beauty parlor!!"

Heard the one about the guy with 5 penises?




















....his pants fit like a glove! :lol: :roll: :? :( :wtf :gtfo :shifty :run

A Wife or a Dog?

Fourteen reasons why men should have dogs and not wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

:D I miss my doggy now

Hahahaha...
Some of you know I just like words... (http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/english_f-word.swf)
(It's from George Carlin)


Oh and this is just for Steve:
Test (http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)

I got this email a few years back I numbered them. Which do you like? #8 should be a general order the lead rider in a group ride.

“Don’t Squat With Your Boots On”
A Cowboy’s Guide To Life by Texas Bix Bender

1.If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
2.If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
3.Never smack a man in the face when he’s chewin’ tobacco.
4.Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
5.Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
6.Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
7.Always drink upstream from the herd.
8.If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
9.When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don’t be surprised if they learn the lesson.
10.There’s two approaches to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
11.When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
12.Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
13.Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
14.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
15.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

An old man is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

A crusty old marine found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the marine for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious man....Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little relax and enjoy yourself.'

The old marine just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!...I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The marine, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear 'Do you have a dentist appointment, too?'

A little girl is in line to see Santa.
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?'
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.'
Santa looks at the little girl a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken.'
'No,' says the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
'So they're trying to replace me, ' thinks the old rooster, 'I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on, ' said the young rooster, 'and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy.'
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, 'Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun'
The woman agrees, so they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing her hands and fingernails. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes before finally going into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, 'You're a surgeon, aren't you?'
'Yeah, how did you know?'
'I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.'
'Oh, that makes sense,' says the woman. 'You're an anesthetist, aren't you?'
'Yeah,' says the man, a bit taken aback. 'How did you know?'
The woman answers, 'I didn't feel a f*cking thing.'

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' she screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids.'

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
He observed, 'You all have obsessions.' To the first mother he said. 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mum. 'You are obsessed with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mum. 'Your obsessions is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered 'Come on Dick, we're going home.'

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3139/2574560223_ba4e335d10.jpg

Fat guys are awesome!!!! :lol:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Al State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," says one trooper.

"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Gulf of Mexico."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12, 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that about?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told he r
we'd just buy them all. She wanted shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,� Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

wow...

Since we are on the subject of sex...


Life On A Small, Deserted Island!

A cruise ship was going through some rough waters and ended
up sinking just off the coast of a small, deserted island. There
were only three survivors -
two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was
natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl
felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt
having sex with both guys was so bad
- that she killed herself!

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through
it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to
feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So...
























They buried her!

The other day my neighbor, (who is blonde,) came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know (so soon after getting pregnant,).. I asked her how she knew. She said....
'Well, that was the easy part....I went to Sam's Club and they had a home
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack.....And both tests came out positive!'

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.

The sense of freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Fresno, California. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you
hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh cut hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
and brats.


In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped
Miller Lite.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.




I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

http://www.pirate4x4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=763645

This should be the joke of the year. Maybe one bad word in there but the rest is safe.

That is TOO Funny... what a douche :)

I'm not technically-minded, but did that guy weld those two gears together so they wouldn't spin anymore? And then asked what went wrong when his truck blew up? You've got to be kidding me.

I'm not technically-minded, but did that guy weld those two gears together so they wouldn't spin anymore? And then asked what went wrong when his truck blew up? You've got to be kidding me.

The driveshaft is connected to the pinion (cone shaped gear) which spins the ring gear.... Basically, the guy welded the COMPLETE wrong part.... ie: dumb@$$.

Ear Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
vet.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register the druggist told her, 'If you' re going to use
this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist said. 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days.'
The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

An 86 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up.......

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86 year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better! I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child."

So, what do you think about that Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of
a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his
cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle
and went "bang, bang". Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver
fell over dead."

Now, what do you think of that asked the Doctor?

The 86 year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver".

The Doctor replied, "My point exactly."

The Zen of Sarcasm


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

found this on yahoo answers, thought i'd share
its a bit of a read tho


I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect…

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.

I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren’t mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger…

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves

Slap Chop Rap Remix. This is HYSTERICAL!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=48c_1241048457

All I gotta say is (1) Vince, (2) Slap Chop, (3) Auto-Tuner, (4) Reverb, and (5) A phat beat.

F-n BRILLIANT!!! As an ad man, this is what you dream of - someone taking your work viral and making it fun to watch! Er um, I mean your work should already be fun to watch and then, uh, consumers should like, add stuff, and whatnot...

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Slap Chop Rap Remix. This is HYSTERICAL!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=48c_1241048457

Good one, man!

Two young boys walk up to the cash register at a grocery store with only a box of tampons. The cashier smiles, and asks the older of the two, "are those for your mom?"

"nope." he replies and holds out his money

"well, then do you know what they are?" she asks a bit confused.

"sure do. they're tampons." the older boy shoots back.

"ok, then who are they for?" she asks, more confused than ever.

"They're for my little brother. The commercial says if you wear these you can swim and ride a bike [or motorcycle] and he can't do either".

[key rimshot]